The One with The Boob Job
by JiminyBillyBob
Summary: Let's just say it all starts when Renji says, "Rukia is getting... a boob job." And all hell breaks loose. IchiRuki. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer** : Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo and this story line is not exactly original since I got it from Tv series Friends and changed and added some little things here and there. The title is also coming from Friends.

 **A/N** : Hello, everyone! I hope after the horrible ending we had to see months ago, there are still people who read IchiRuki. Anyway, this story is an AU. The background is Ichigo is a surgeon, Renji is a lawyer who works for Byakuya (I dont mention this in the story). Rukia owns her own boutique and IchiRuki are married. They are living in an apartment and Renji is their best friend and neighbor. This is like a snippet of life hahaha. This story isnt original. I took the story from Friends and changed it a little and added some things. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

It all started when Renji and Ichigo were doing their morning run on a fine Sunday. With Ichigo being a busy doctor and Renji being a lawyer and doing whatever it was his boss told him, it was nice to enjoy a really nice day off.

"So, what is it all about?" Ichigo asked, drinking his water. Both men were sitting on the park bench near their apartment building.

Renji laid on his back. His eyes were half lidded. Sunday morning with Ichigo meant running for like a thousand of laps and taking a brief rest on the bench with the windy autumn breeze could really feel like heaven right now. "What?"

Ichigo laid on his back too, crossed his arms behind his head. "Rukia said she took you to a doctor yesterday."

Renji suddenly straightened up. His back stiffened.

"She told you that?"

Ichigo raised an eyebrow, suspicious of Renji's sudden change of behavior. "Yeah?"

The red haired man groaned some more.

He should have seen this coming. That raven haired best friend of his told her husband everything.

"Uh, nothing. It was just... this thing."

"What thing?" Ichigo asked again, starting to be curious.

"I can't tell you that." Renji answered nervously.

The orange haired man scowled, punching his long time friend's arm lightly. "Look, Renji, I am a doctor, too. Could have just asked me."

Renji felt bad that Ichigo sounded a little bit hurt to find out that his friend was seeking another professional when he, a young renowned surgeon, lived just exactly across the hall.

But it was just... this thing. Okay, here it is. Renji had a problem. A somewhat medical problem with his... private area. There was one time he met this girl at the bar. Cute and perfect and he successfully took her home and you all could guess what's about to happen right. They were about to do it. And Renji whom he thought himself was a super manly man who made every man in the room felt like being less a man, couldn't... perform.

He tried not to make a fuss about it but it happened again the next week and also the next week after that, so he freaked out and didn't know exactly what to do.

But then he remembered Rukia, who happened to be his best friend slash neighbor, somewhat told him years ago that her brother kind of had... this problem with his thing, too (and now that Renji thought about it, Rukia was, indeed, such a tattletale).

So, swallowing all his pride, Renji asked her. Big deal, _huh_.

Much to Renji's relief, Rukia was somewhat cool about it and said Renji could just ask Ichigo to check on him. Renji knew Ichigo was the most professional doctor he knew, but nope, he thought it would be awkward to have his friend slash best friend's husband examining... this problem. Then Rukia laughed and said this thing happened and she completely understood and she could just take him to her family doctor who took care of her brother. Renji thanked her and hoped she'd understand in a silent agreement that this thing stayed between them. But appa-

"So, what is it?" Ichigo nudged him again.

-apparently this was so not staying between them.

Damn, that Kuchiki heiress.

Renji cleared his throat. "Look, dude, it's... personal."

Ichigo looked at him, confused. The orange haired man looked away and drank his bottle again, disappointed. And that made Renji feel bad.

"Ok, ok. Here it is." Renji gave up. The look on his friend's face made him feel bad.

"It's a..."

The red haired man really tried to find the words but it was just so hard. Renji was a man with pride and having to tell this to Ichigo, his claimed rival, of all people, did not help his predicament.

Ichigo looked at him expectantly and Renji was struggling to form the sentences.

Nope.

He couldn't do it.

"It's the other way around!" Renji blabbered quickly and scratched his hair nervously.

"It's not me, okay! I took Rukia to a doctor!"

Ichigo raised an eyebrow, even more confused now. "Why did _she_ go to a doctor?"

Renji dropped a sweat. Apparently, he was not really good at lying. "I told you, it is personal."

Ichigo's eye twitched and his scowl just got deeper. "What's so personal that she wouldn't want me to know?"

Renji shrugged and scratched his neck nervously. "Well... you know, Ichigo, women have secrets."

Renji concluded he was the most terrible liar in the world.

"I am her husband." Ichigo replied, confused, probably in a sulking mode already.

Renji was struggling to find another lie. He didn't know what to say. What in the world made a woman sneak to see a doctor without her husband knowing?

And while he was trying to find the right words, a hot blonde with really big breasts was running in front of the two male. Her chest was so big Renji almost lost his focus there seeing her assets bouncing around while she ran.

And then.

 _Something_ clicked in his mind.

"Boob job." The red haired man said, nodding his head repeatedly.

Ichigo was taken a back. " _What_?"

"Rukia is getting... a boob job." Renji said again. If Rukia found out about this, he wouldn't live to see another day.

"What the hell?" Renji could tell Ichigo felt like he was being strucked by a lightning.

"What?" Renji raised his arms in defense. "I thought you both wanted it." he went on. Actually he really felt bad about Rukia right now but his brain stopped working and this was the best lie he could come up with.

Ichigo shook his head aggressively, panicked. "God, no! Why the hell does she want to get a boob job?"

Rukia was so going to kill him, Renji deadpanned.

"I don't know, okay! She said she wants to do it for you!" Renji mumbled.

Ichigo paled. "That is insane. Why, why, why would she think that I want her to get a boob job?"

Renji bit his lower lips nervously. He was so dead if the truth came up. "Hell, how would I know?! She's your wife!"

His poor orange haired friend was still panicking. He was sweating and Renji was sure it was not from the morning run.

"I can't believe this." Ichigo shook his head multiple times. "And why the hell did she get a boob job with YOU, and not ME, for God's sake?"

Ichigo's death glare made the red haired lawyer uneasy.

"Maybe she wants to be a surprise?! I don't know, for your birthday?!" Renji replied, a little too fast and a little too loud.

Ichigo gritted his teeth, still sending his red haired friend a death glare because he just couldn't believe this man took his wife to get a boob job.

"My birthday was two months ago!"

Renji sensed the threatening aura coming from his friend. "Dude, don't look at me like that. I didn't want her to get a boob job, either. I mean, her boobs are-"

Another more deadly glare.

"-fine as they are.."

More deadly glare and a clenched fist.

"-and so NOT my business." Renji finished with a mumble.

Ichigo took a deep breath and covered his face with his palms. "I need to talk to Rukia."

Renji gulped.

"Yeah, Ichigo." he replied. "Yeah, you go control your woman."

Ichigo replied by giving a fist to Renji's lying face.

* * *

For Karin Kurosaki, it was a fine Sunday morning. She was staying with her brother and his wife for some college thing she needed to do in the city. Rukia-nee made her cookies and made her taste some expensive tea the noble women loved to drink in their precious tea time. It was really, really nice. And also felt a little weird, you know. Growing up with her family always meant crazy morning. Why did you expect with a dad like Isshin Kurosaki? And now, for once she was glad she could find peaceful morning in a Kurosaki-labeled household.

Karin could tell her sister-in-law was also enjoying this fine Sunday morning. She thought owning and taking care of a boutique was tiring as it was on weekdays and Rukia-nee must have craved for this peaceful Sunday.

Things were fine.

Until her brother slash Rukia-nee's dear husband barked into their apartment, that's it.

* * *

Ichigo was grinning when he got into the room.

He was grinning forcefully.

And he looked like a creep.

"Yo, Karin." He said, still grinning, and made a walk towards Rukia.

"Well..." he gave a long look at Rukia from head to toe and kissed her cheek, "there you are... the apple of my eye."

Both Karin and Rukia raised an eyebrow.

Ichigo kissed the corner of Rukia's mouth lightly. "The perfectly _proportioned_ apple of my eye."

Karin rolled her eyes. "Perfectly proportioned?"

Ichigo ignored his sister and placed his arms on the coffee table, trapping his wife between his toned arms. He gave her a quick peck on the forehead.

Rukia was not buying this. She sensed something was up. She crossed her arms under her breasts and looked up to her dear husband.

"What did you do?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Ichigo replied too quickly. ' _More like, what did YOU do?'_ the orange haired man mused in his mind.

"I just can't stop thinking about how beautiful you are." he said quickly.

"Oh, God." Karin snorted, somehow thinking peaceful morning in Kurosaki-labeled household be damned.

Rukia rolled her eyes.

Ichigo started again, his voice cracked. "I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I wouldn't change a thing about you, Rukia. Not even a thing!" Ichigo said it really fast, panicking. "Or particularly, I would never want you to change _TWO_ things!"

Rukia didn't get it. Her eyebrows were furrowed elegantly. "Ichigo, did you accidentally lose Chappy again on the park?"

Ichigo shook his head desperately. "No. Chappy is with Renji." _I think..._ he added mentally. Who cares about that fluffy, stinky dog?

"But anyway, Rukia, your proportion is perfect." Her husband started again, leaning down so his face was close to hers. "I wouldn't want to have you any other way, you know? I love, I love this proportion, okay!" He continued.

"Oh, dear God. Is he like this every morning?" Karin snorted again and Rukia shrugged.

Ichigo turned to his sister, scowled deeper than every sea combined. "Karin, will you shut up?"

"Rukia, the thing is, everything about you is perfect. Especially, your... body." The orange haired man began again, eyes hot on his dear wife who looked innocently confused.

"Okay, thanks...?" Rukia shrugged again.

Ichigo scratched his hair in desperation. "I love your body as it is, Rukia. Nothing has to be any... bigger."

Ichigo heard Karin mumbled something like 'Sweet mother of God of what is pure and true' and Ichigo really, really wanted to kill himself. But he needed to do this, Rukia didn't need to change, okay. She was perfect. She was more than perfect and Ichigo wouldn't want her any other way.

Rukia cupped her husband's face. Her eyebrows furrowed more deeply than before, "Ichigo, you lost Chappy, didn't you?"

Ichigo wanted to scream and pull his hair out. He was trying to give her a simple understanding that he didn't want her to get a boob job. That he respected her body and she should, too! And all she was thinking about was her family dog, Chappy.

"Chappy is fine." Ichigo sighed. "But, you know what's more fine?" he began again desperately.

Ichigo swallowed hard before saying this.

"Your breasts, Rukia."

"What." Rukia's eyes widened and Ichigo could hear Karin's snickers.

Ichigo looked at her deeply in the eye. "I love your breasts."

Karin literally slapped her forehead and scoffed. "Marriage life turns you into Goat-Chin, Ichi-nii."

"Karin, if I hear you one more time, I'm going to send you home." Ichigo warned, gritting his teeth.

Rukia raised her arms in desperation. "You know what, Ichigo, in fact, if I hear you one more time, I'm going to send YOU home."

"No, no, no," Ichigo turned to his wife again. "Rukia, I am complimenting your body!" He was struggling here, damnit. He was struggling here bad.

"Well, that's sweet, hubby." Rukia said sarcastically with her fake high school cheer leader voice, "And also so inappropriate. Your sister is right here." She smiled icily and gave him little slight pat on the face and she looked like she was about to murder someone.

Ichigo sighed in desperation. "Rukiaaa." he whined. "I just don't want anything to get any bigger!"

Rukia really really didn't understand so she replied. "...Okay?"

Ichigo somehow knew Rukia did not get it.

"Look, what about you, Rukia? Do YOU want any part of me to get any bigger?" Ichigo almost yelled.

Rukia rolled her eyes, looked at the lower part of his body, especially that thing between his legs, smirked, and shrugged her shoulders.

Karin chuckled. What got into her when she thought she could have a peaceful, normal morning with the Kurosakis?

Ichigo blushed hard and gaped, "Screw this." he took his leave. "I'm going to take a shower."

* * *

"What's with Ichi-nii?" Karin asked Rukia. But seeing the blank look on he face, Karin wasn't sure her sister in law had a clue.

Rukia shook her head. "I don't understand, either." She put her hand under her chin and tried to think hard of what thing could make Ichigo behave that way.

Why would Ichigo think her body is going to get any bigger?

And then something clicked in her mind.

"Wait a minute." Rukia mumbled, her left eye twitched. "I know what this is all about."

"What is it, Rukia-nee?" Karin asked.

The raven haired woman looked a little upset right now. She ran her hand through her hair desperately and said. "You heard him, Karin, 'you're perfect, your body's perfect, don't get any bigger.'"

Karin nodded along. "20 years living with him and I just find out that my brother is a creep."

Rukia sighed. "When I think about it, maybe it does make sense."

"How?" Karin took another cookie on the table.

Rukia took a deep breath. "Your Ichi-nii and I are trying to... get pregnant."

Karin couldn't help but grinned. "Well, that's great!"

"And I think Ichigo is freaking out that my body is going to change." Rukia said slowly. "I mean, with pregnancy, my breasts are going to get bigger, my tummy is going to get bigger, my feet, my legs, my hands."

"Your ass is going to get bigger." Karin added.

Rukia nodded. "Yeah." She mumbled. "Yeah. I can't believe he is freaking out about that."

"You need to talk to him, Rukia-nee."

Rukia took another sip of her tea. "Of course I will."

* * *

Poor Ichigo was just getting out from a cold morning shower when his wife confronted him right here, right there, when he only had a towel around his waist. To add things worse, his sister was also there to witness this confrontation.

Rukia looked somewhat angry and her arms were crossed in front of her chest and Ichigo wondered why she was angry when in fact, he was supposed to be the one who got upset.

"I am going to get bigger." Rukia said, her voice was inpatient.

Ichigo groaned. Not this again.

"Why, why, why would you want to do that to your body?"

"I thought you wanted it the most, Ichigo." She replied, somewhat hurt. "I wasn't sure myself but you kept saying you couldn't wait for this. You said this is the thing you've always been dreaming about."

What.

Ichigo was confused. He never told her he wanted her to have bigger boobs. He never did, did he? This was a huge misunderstanding. Ichigo was frustrated. He knew Rukia's breasts were not exactly in same size like Inoue's or Rangiku-san's or Yoruichi-san's but they were perfect for him and he didn't want them any other way.

"Rukiaaa." He warned and put his hands on her shoulder.

"I love your breasts as they are." He replied in a soft voice, trying to sound as understanding as he could.

"You are a dick, Ichi-nii," Karin scoffed.

"Why is she here?!" Ichigo yelled.

Rukia ignored him and activated her really cold Kuchiki princess mode. Her glare was cold and she was frowning and Ichigo didn't care just how beautiful she was when she got angry, his wife was scary.

"Well, you know what, Ichigo? Whether you like it or not, my breasts are going to get bigger."

"Wha-" Ichigo was lost at words.

"Rukia, you know big boobs _freak_ me _out!_ "

Karin chuckled before she stopped to mumble something like 'Wait. I am supposed to get offended.' and Ichigo knew his dignity was completely dead.

Rukia jabbed his bare chest with her little finger. "You know what, Ichigo? Suck it up because they are going to get bigger. And NOT just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too."

Ichigo lost it and pulled his hair in frustration. "Your ass?!"

The orange haired doctor felt like he wanted to scream. "Don't you have any respect for your body? What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Rukia sent him her iciest-death-Kuchiki glare.

"Yeah. And her feet and her hands and her tummy are going to get bigger, too, Ichi-nii." Karin added.

"What the hell made you like this, Rukia?! I COULD try to work things out with the boobs and the ass, but big feet and hands, too?" Ichigo groaned.

"It is a whole package, Ichigo!" Rukia sounded really upset right now and Ichigo started to wonder if she badly wanted to do that to her body.

"They DO that?!" Ichigo yelled.

Rukia only stared at him, confusion covered her flawless face again.

A long awkward silence.

"I'm sorry, what?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo sighed and anger flared in him again. "You know what? You don't get a say in this, Rukia. When you married me a year ago, it means that I have got a say in whatever decisions you're going to make in your life, and those include to what you're going to do with your breasts AND your ass."

Ichigo was on fire. Only clad in a towel be damned. He was her husband, okay. And she should at least listen to her husband and not get something like a boob job or an ass job or whatever the hell it was behind his back. Did she think he wouldn't notice?!

Rukia snorted and got really, really angry. The Kuchiki heiress chewed her lips and glared at her husband. She said through gritted teeth. " _Oh_." Even her 'oh' sounded like Byakuya right now. "Don't you pull your alpha male card on _me_ , Kurosaki! I am really, really upset with you right now."

Ichigo took her by the shoulders again and yelled. "Yeah, that's right! From now on, your opinions are rejected! I am your husband and your WISE husband here is telling you to NOT get a BOOB JOB."

A very long awkward silence.

And still a very long awkward silence.

"What?!" Rukia shrieked.

It was another long silence.

Suddenly everything clicked and Karin laughed. And did she laugh really hard. Definitely a typical morning in a Kurosaki household.

"I am not getting a boob job." Rukia finally replied calmly, innocent and confused at the same time.

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "Then why did you say you were going to get bigger?"

Rukia threw her arms in desperation. "Ichigo, we are trying to get pregnant. And when I do get pregnant, of course my body is going to change."

Ichigo groaned for the millionth time this morning. This was so fucked up. "So, Rukia, you're not getting a boob job? Ass job? Or anything in that matter?"

Rukia shook her head defensively "Of course not."

Ichigo let out a deep breath. He had never felt more relieved in his life. He pulled his wife in an embrace and mumbled ' _Thank God_ ' multiple times.

"Where the hell did you get that idea, anyway?" Rukia sighed and kissed her husband lightly on the chin, kind of glad this was just a huge misunderstanding.

It was another long silence.

"I am going to murder Renji." Ichigo said through gritted teeth and left the apartment to confront his friend who lived just across the wall.

All the while didn't realize that he was still only in a towel.

* * *

 **A/N** : So, what do you think? :D I hope they are not too OOC. And I love torturing Ichigo. I know he looks like a badass but he is just so innocent hahaha. Please leave a review and tell me what you think!

Happy TOO early new year!


End file.
